Welcome to The Final Word, a new series of editorials by myself (William Bibbiani!) and my colleague Julia Rhodes, in which we take issues relating to film that people think are debatable and dare to actually come to a conclusion. We could argue that everyone is entitled to their opinions (they are), and we could even say that all of those opinions are equally valid (even though they’re not), but frankly… that’s no fun. If anybody’s opinions are going to matter then we have to stick to them and feel confident about it. No “I” statements for The Final Word. No, “In my opinions,” because, well… of course they’re our opinions! We’re the ones saying them! If you need somebody to hold your hand and tell you that your opinions are just as good as ours, then you have a serious self-esteem problem.
And frankly, if Roger Ebert can declare that videogames can’t be art without actually playing a single videogame that might disprove his thesis – and expect to be taken seriously, no less – then I’m entirely within my rights to come to a conclusion about 3-D based on my actual experience with both 2-D and 3-D films.
Yes, that’s right, the first edition of The Final Word is about 3-D. Everyone seems to love 3-D these days. Wait, let me try that again. Everyone seems to love 3-D these days. As soon as Avatar came out 3-D, which had been officially relegated to “fad” status for many, many decades all of a sudden became an inevitable destination for all media. But is it really an improvement over 2-D? Is it really worth the trouble?
No. Don’t be stupid.
Oh sure, we’re probably going to be stuck with 3-D forever now that everyone flocked to Avatar like 5 year olds to McDonalds. You chipped in several extra bucks for the “experience” of wearing glasses while watching a movie – something those of us with glasses are less than enthused about (Have you ever tried wearing two pairs at the same time? It’s not comfortable) – and now the studios think you’ll do it every damned time. And you probably will, too, because you think it’s better. Well, guess what: It’s not. It’s just another illusion that you will inevitably get used to and take for granted, but by God you will shell out a lot more money just for the privilege of getting bored with it.
You see, 3-D filmmaking creates an illusion of 3-Dimensions. But of course, you know that. This isn’t 1901 anymore. We know that the train zooming towards the camera isn’t actually going to run us over. The only thing being added to our films is a perceived added level of depth. Things that are far away from the camera look further away than things that are closer to the camera. Wow. Are you telling me you would never have figured that out? This is the same basic illusion that focal lengths have been playing with for over a century now, and paintings for many centuries before that. Are audiences really so jaded that they can no longer determine distance without paying as much as $5.00 extra for somebody to point it out for you?
Oh, but it’s immersive is it? You get lost in the world of Avatar and forget that you’re in a theater? I hate to break it to you guys, but that’s the point of good storytelling (and, in the case of Avatar, even bad storytelling). People have lost themselves in the world of an image or narrative for centuries without 3-D. Did you ever hear of The Stendhal Syndrome? It’s not Dario Argento’s best film, but it is essentially the same mental process you’re describing, and it was first documented over 200 years ago (albeit only officially named in 1979) . Over 200 years ago is prior to 3-D filmmaking, incidentally. Sure, 3-D can immerse you in a film. Nobody’s denying that it has that capability, but for 3-D to actually supplant 2-D in the media – which many studios and technology companies are really, really hoping for – it would have to actually be superior at doing so. And it’s not. It’s just another thing people invented.
And why did they invent it? Because they screwed up. They spoiled us. They made home entertainment superior to the theatrical viewing experience with surround sound systems, high-definition screens and storage. Theaters are expensive, noisy and really, really expensive (again), so audiences were staying away. For a while theaters simply raised ticket prices to hide the fact that attendance was down, but eventually they started to hit a breaking point where seeing a movie theatrically just wasn’t worth the added costs. So once again they trotted out 3-D filmmaking in an attempt to make you think the exorbitant amount of money you’re spending for essentially the same narrative experience was somehow justified.
And the home entertainment companies are just as culpable this time: Once you upgraded to Blu-Ray, 1080p and 7.1 surround sound you were basically set for life. It’s hard enough to convince people that Blu-Ray has superior picture quality to DVD. Now that high-definition is becoming the standard, what else can they sell you? Why, $50 plastic glasses of course! Now you’ll really believe those movies are real! Because before 3-D you always thought movies were utter bullsh*t, right? Like when you saw Apollo 13 and couldn’t bear to look at the screen because you knew they weren’t really in space. It also explains why The Lord of the Rings movies were so unpopular, since everyone was hyper-aware that Middle Earth was only two-dimensional, and therefore fake.
But some people like it. That’s fine. Some people like smoking, but that doesn’t make it good for any of them. I’ve got an experiment for those people. It’s cheap, easy and won’t take more than a moment. I’ve been pulling this experiment on friends and casual acquaintances for months now and thus far everyone seems to get the gist of my 3-D complaints afterwards. If you saw Avatar in 3-D in theaters, try remembering a scene from the film. (If you didn’t see Avatar, but instead saw Clash of the Titans, Alice in Wonderland, or what have you in 3-D, just remember a scene from that instead.) Now, remember a scene from a 2-D movie. Pick one, it really doesn’t matter. Now, just remember something that happened to you today. Now… Are any of these memories more “3-D” than the others?
To date I have never encountered a single person who could honestly say that they remember 3-D in actual 3-D (although I suppose if you have total recall this may not apply). If you actually do then let me know in the comments, but the rest of us are left with memories indistinguishable from any other movie. And frankly, no matter how many times you see a 3-D movie in theaters, the bulk of your life will – or at least should – be spent not watching the film. Your memories of the movie, how it made you feel and even how it looked are what you’re stuck with most of the time. So basically, you shelled out a lot of extra money for the exact same memories you would have had in a 2-D theater.
I hope you’re proud of yourselves.
And that’s… The Final Word.
William Bibbiani is a highly opinionated film, TV and videogame critic living in Los Angeles, California. In addition to his work at the “California Literary Review” William also contributes articles and criticism to “Geekscape” and “Ranker” and has won multiple awards for co-hosting the weekly Geekscape podcast and for his series of Safe-For-Work satirical pornographic film critiques, “Geekscape After Dark.” He also writes screenplays and, when coerced with sweet, sweet nothings, occasionally acts in such internet series as “Bus Pirates” and “Heads Up with Nar Williams.” A graduate of the UCLA School of Film, Television and Digital Media, William sometimes regrets not pursuing a career in what he refers to as “lawyering” so that he could afford luxuries like food and shoes.
William can be found on both the Xbox Live and Playstation Network as GuyGardner2814, and on Twitter as – surprisingly – WilliamBibbiani.